False Expectations

I grew up in a private Christian school that had a major influence in the way my peers and I believe and perceive life. Often we had several chapel services and Bible classes that dealt a lot with relationships with the opposite sex and sexual purity. My school was very conservative in their approach, meaning that they believed dating at a young age is ridiculous and it is best to save even a first kiss until marriage. I'm not necessarily condemning this approach, but I think what was subtly taught and understood among the students there was that if we remained sexually pure and even saved their first kiss until marriage, we should not only expect, but deserve a partner who also held the same standards morally.


This could not be further from the truth.


Did we really not understand how self-righteous and prideful that statement really sounds? Who are we to say that we deserve anything, much less a spouse that has somehow known and adhered to the exact same standards we chose for ourselves? It's as if we really believe that we are more pure than others because we were able to refrain from doing certain things that they weren't! This is a gross misunderstanding of two things: the devastating effect of sin and the glorious effect of the cross.


James 2:10-11 says this in regards to sin: "For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it. For he who said, 'Do not commit adultery,' also said, 'Do not murder.' If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a transgressor of the law." The whole point of this passage is that it doesn't matter what sins we did and did not do, but that we sinned in the first place, and as a result, we are all wicked and vile and completely unworthy of any good thing, especially a spouse who held the same moral standards as us. To put things into perspective, sure, I personally have never had sex before. But my sins of lust are just as disgusting and vile as if I really had. Furthermore, my sins of pride, lying, deceit, and any other number of sins are just as horrific as sex before marriage in God's eyes. Until we realize the wickedness of our own sin, it will be easy for us to believe that we deserve a spouse who followed our preset expectations.


Secondly, this idea that we can have a certain moral expectation of our spouse totally undermines the purpose of the cross. Romans 5:18-21 says "Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous. Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." We should be eternally grateful that the cross of Christ makes all of us righteous. No believer is declared to be more or less righteous than the other; Jesus' sacrifice has the same everlasting benefits for every single person who believes in Him. Sin had made us all equal in our wickedness in the eyes of God, but the cross is the great equalizer that puts us all on the same plane of righteousness before Him.


So let's humble ourselves before the Lord and before our brothers and sisters in Christ and stop playing the pharisee by pretending to be righteous in our own merit. It's time to stop hurting our Christian family by throwing people out the window simply because they have "had a past" or have made a mistake earlier on in their life. And when we learn to bestow love and grace the way Jesus did for us, boy, will our marriages be so sweet.



Feel free to comment or contact me with suggestions, critiques, criticisms, disagreements, or requests for future posts. Thank you, and God bless.